Morning Suprises
by Secondhand-Mario
Summary: Luigi wakes up, and what does he find? A beard. Oh great. Just what he wanted. But what happens when the beard refuses to leave? Completely mush free.
1. Chapter 1

Luigi woke to a shining sun and gleefully chirping birds. He smiled, stretched, and rolled out of bed. You see, he had a feeling that this particular day was going to be extraordinary. He fairly skipped to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and-

"AAAAARGH!"

There was a stranger in the bathroom! He had a scraggly beard, piercing blue eyes, a huge nose, and… Wait… OMG.

Luigi tentatively extended his left arm. The person in the mirror did the same. Luigi let out a strangled whimper. He had just shaved yesterday, and now he had a three inch beard! What was happening to him?

Mario would know. Mario _always_ knew what to do.

Luigi burst out of the bathroom, ran down the hall, and threw open Mario's bedroom door. "Mari- Oh my Gawd." Mario, still snoring, was sporting a long scruffy beard exactly like his brother's.

At this point, Luigi started freaking out. "_Mario!_" he screamed. "Get the hell _up!_"

With a loud snort, Mario sat up. "What?" he moaned, blearily glancing at the alarm clock. "Luigi, what the hell are you bothering me for? It's only 7 in the morning!" Then he saw Luigi's bearded face. "Whoa, bro. You really need to shave. Having a beard is bad for business; it scares all the kiddies."

"For God's sake Mario!" shouted Luigi. "I just shaved yesterday! And _look!_" He shoved a mirror in Mario's face.

"What the-? Oh, crap."

There was a moment of grim silence. Finally, Luigi spoke up. "So, what are we going to do?"

"What do you _think?_" Mario growled. "We're going to shave, you idiot."

"Oh. Yeah, why didn't I think of that?"

Mario and Luigi went into their separate bathrooms to shave. Luigi cut himself 11 times. The sounds of Luigi's pain rang through the halls. "Ouch! Ooh! Eee! Aah! Nngh!"

When the brothers emerged from their bathrooms, Luigi's face was covered in little pieces of tissue.

"Luigi," Mario began, "you-"

"Don't you say another word," Luigi said grouchily.

"Whatever. I'm going to get dressed and go out."

"Fine by me," Luigi grumped. He shambled to the living room and flopped into his favorite green arm chair. As he stared at nothing in particular, he began to think. This was not at all unusual for Luigi, although Mario might tell you otherwise.

It really _was_ weird how he had grown a full beard overnight. What was even weirder was how Mario had the same problem. Just what had _caused_ this? Beards didn't just mosey on through the door and plaster themselves to people's faces. Maybe the sudden growth in facial hair had been caused by one of those sketchy mushrooms that Mario liked to put into their pasta. Luigi never liked them, but Mario insisted.

Luigi's reverie was interrupted when Mario strode through the living room.

"Seeya Luigi," Mario called as he made his way toward the door. "I'm going to Peach's place for some cake."

Luigi turned around.

"Mario!" he screeched. "Wait!"

"What do you want now?" Mario asked irritably. Then his eyes widened.

"You've got stubble!" the brothers shouted at each other.

Luigi put his hand to his cheek; it was rough.

"No frickin' way," Mario whispered hoarsely.

They both rushed to Mario's bathroom and peered into the mirror. Sure enough, both of their faces were covered with a light dusting of grey.

"Oh. My. God," Luigi murmured. He glanced at Mario's reflection. "Mario! Look at your _hair!_"

Just in front of his ears, Mario had a few silver hairs.

This definitely wasn't right. Healthy 27-year-olds didn't start going grey. People didn't get stubble in a matter of moments. _What the hell was going on?_

Mario gulped. "I think we'd better call someone."


	2. Chapter 2

Mario called their regular doctor while Luigi ran around in circles and freaked out some more.

"I don't know what to tell you, Mario," the doctor said. "This definitely isn't your garden variety cold."

"Don't know anybody who could give us an idea of what's going on?" Mario asked.

"Well… there is _one_ guy I know. But he's a little… um… different."

"I don't care," Mario snapped. "At this point, I wouldn't give a damn if he had horns and a tail if he could tell me why I'm going _grey_."

"It's your funeral- I mean, uh, your _decision._ He lives at 402 Sanderling Ave. **(AN: Imaginary location, lol.)** It's been nice knowing you- no, I mean, er… take care of yourself, Mario!"

Then he hung up.

"That was odd," Mario muttered, putting down the phone. "Come on Luigi!" he called into the next room. "We're going on a little field trip."

"I can't be _seen_ like this!" Luigi whined. "What if we run into someone I know?"

"What's the big deal? We're going to have to go out sooner or later. Besides, no one will care."

"But I put so much effort into my appearance! I mean, I actually _comb_ my mustache, unlike some other people I could mention…" He looked meaningfully at his brother.

Mario snorted. "You're such a spaz. Just relax for once. You can go a day without looking positively immaculate, can't you?"

"No. I will not have my reputation ruined by a freakin' _beard_!"

"Then cover it up or something! The clock is _ticking_!"

Luigi disappeared into his room for a moment. When he came back, he was wearing a long, brown robe with a hood the completely obscured his face. Mario cocked a skeptic eyebrow at his brother's new get-up.

"What? I've always thought it would be pretty cool to spend a day as a monk," Luigi said defensively.

"I'm not complaining," Mario said with a shrug. "Whatever it takes to get you out the door. Let's just go."

With that, the brothers trooped out of their house and into the street. Mario received a few curious glances for his beard (now nearly an inch long), but not half as many as Luigi, who would stop to bless random passer-by as they hurried through the town.

Mario endured this quite well, until Luigi bent down to bless a hapless dog.

"Oh come _on_!" he complained, dragging Luigi away from the befuddled animal.

Eventually, they reached 402 Sanderling. It was a tall, run-down establishment. Peculiar wind chimes and other dangling artifacts adorned the house.

"Ok… this is officially weird. I'm going home now." Luigi turned back and began to swiftly retreat.

"Come back here, you little weasel!" Mario shouted, grabbing at his brother's long robe and pulling him back. "We're going to knock on the door, we're going to go inside, and this guy is going to tell us what's wrong with us." He marched up the steps and gave the door three sharp raps.

The door cracked opened, and a wrinkled, beady-eyed face poked out. "Yessssssss?" it rasped.

"Good morning, sir," Mario said formally. "I come seeking assistance-"

"GAH!" the old man shrieked. "Young man, you are followed by a shadow! But fear not, I shall cast it into the netherworld!" He leaped out from behind the door and began to viciously beat Luigi with a gnarled staff.

"Aah! Ee! Youch! Ow! Hey! Get away from me, you freak!" Luigi screamed, attempting to escape from the clutches of the old man.

"Please sir, he's my brother!" Mario cried. "Luigi, ditch the stupid robe!"

After Luigi managed to rid himself of the robe, the elderly man put up his staff. "Ah, I see, "he said knowledgably. "You disguise yourself as a demon to avoid being possessed by one. Clever. I shall have to try that sometime."

Mario and Luigi exchanged a glance. "Uh, yeah. Anyway, like I said before, we need some help," Mario told the old man.

"Follow me," the man said, shuffling through the door and into the house.

The house was even stranger inside than out. The shelves that lined the walls were crammed with jars of bizarre, petrified specimens floating in amber colored liquid. Thick books were stacked in haphazard piles all over the floor. Various staffs and wands had been gathered into bundles and congregated in the corners.

"So, who are you anyway?" Luigi asked, peering into one of the dusty jars.

The old man turned around jerkily. "Who am _I?_ I am the wind that howls through the trees! I am the voice of the roaring river! I am the light of the stars and moon! I am the hand that turns the world! I am Alsesscor, Spirit Medium and Master Enchanter! Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaa!"

Mario thought he heard thunder rumble in the distance.

"Oh. Good to know," replied Luigi, tapping the jar.

"_Don't touch that!_" Alsesscor bellowed. He leapt at Luigi and pushed him to the floor.

"Hey! What the hell is your _problem_?"

"That's very _valuable_! If it fell, I'd never be able to get another one!"

"We're very sorry, sir," Mario apologized, pulling Luigi to his feet. "Stop pissing this guy off," he hissed in Luigi's ear. "We want him to help us, not pound us to a pulp."

Luigi sniffed and indignantly dusted himself off.

"This way," Alsesscor mumbled, gesturing to a small room off to the side. It contained a rickety coffee table, a sagging loveseat, and a high backed armchair. He motioned for the brothers to sit on the loveseat, and they complied.

"So," the enchanter said, settling himself into the armchair. "Tell me about your problem."

"Well, this morning, my brother Lui-" Mario began.

"_No!_" Alsesscor barked. "Do not speak your names in this room, or dark spirits will swallow your minds!"

"Um… Ok, then. Well, this morning, my brother and I realized that we had _beards_, as in 'unwanted facial hair'."

"And we mean _beards_." Luigi interrupted. "Long, scraggly, _ugly_ beards."

"-Even though we had just shaved yesterday," Mario continued. "So we shave, and fifteen minutes later, it the beards start back again! And I've got _grey hairs_ on my head! See?" He shoved his head closer to Alsesscor so that the spirit medium could see for himself.

"Yes, yes. I see," the enchanter murmured. "Hm… you appear to be ageing at a greatly accelerated rate. It's a hex if I've ever seen one, and a good strong one too."

"So how do we get rid of it?" Luigi inquired.

"Well… we could cut out your spleens, bless them over the light of the full moon, burn them, and mix the ashes with piranha plant saliva to make a salve…" Upon hearing this, the brothers' eyes grew wide and their faces paled.

"But that would take too long. By the time we accomplish all that, you both will have died of old age. "

"We're aging _that fast_?" Mario asked, his forehead creasing with worry.

"If my calculations are correct," Alsesscor replied. "No, I'd say your best bet would be to kill the being that cast the hex. But seeing how powerful the spell is, getting rid of him won't be easy."

"We'll do whatever it takes," Mario said resolutely.

"Yeah, but how do we find out who it is?" Luigi wondered aloud.

"I can trace the spell back to its caster, but you must remain _absolutely still_, or your souls will break free of your bodies and be doomed to wander the earth forever!"

"Er… sure, whatever you say."

The enchanter brought forth a bowl filled with clear, viscous liquid and placed it on the coffee table. He made a complicated sign over the brothers, and then began to wave his hands over the bowl, as if drawing something from them into the liquid. Mario and Luigi suppressed a gasp; an image was forming in the bowl. Soon, they could make out a small koopa wearing a flowing blue robe and a matching conical hat. His round, thick eyeglasses glinted with an eerie light, and his mouth was twisted into a menacing sneer.

Kamek.

**A/N: Meh. I preferred the first chapter, but I'm happy with Alsesscor. It's always difficult for me to make up new characters. Um, yeah, about the title. I finished writing the first chap, and I'm thinking to myself, "All **_**right**_**! This looks pretty good. Hm, what should I call it?" And you know what comes to mind? Nothing. So, I go with the most painfully obvious choice; Beards. And yes, it is **_**very**_** bland. My creativity kinda hit a brick wall and went caput at that point. Sorry! Hopefully the new title is more exciting.**


End file.
